Letting Go, Gracefully

This morning I breastfed my daughter for the last time. She is almost 14 months old. She woke up and her dad brought her downstairs to start the day. I met them in the kitchen a few minutes later and was greeted by her radiant smile and her immediate signed request for “boobie.” It kills me to stop, and I have put it off as long as possible. We are down to only our morning feed together, and it is such a special moment of bonding to start the day. It’s painful to feel like I am robbing her of this simple comfort, and I worry about whether it will impact our close relationship. A lot is changing in our lives together right now, and I have to actively control my anxiety so she doesn’t pick up on the tension and worry that I feel.

In four days I leave on a week long business trip. It was supposed to be nine days… I cut it down as much as I could. I’ve never been away from her for more than one night at a time, and even then, I was never more than an hour drive away. This week, I will be across the country, and Emilia will be lovingly cared for by a combination of her dad and our generous families. She will be in great hands, and I have no concerns for her wellbeing or safety while I am away. I’m concerned for me. Millie is my joy and my purpose. She fulfills me and motivates me and brings me endless happiness… I don’t know how to be without her anymore.

When I get back from my trip, I will have three days with my daughter before she starts full time daycare. Fifty hours/week. This feels impossible to me. How can I spend such a huge portion of my time week-in and week-out without her in the same room as me? The daycare is so lovely. She will be in a classroom with kids her own age and they can learn from each other and she can develop the social skills and confidence that she deserves. She will have French, Mandarin and piano lessons, circle time, ample outdoor times, and all the access she wants to books and Montessori toys. This is the right place for her… so why is it so hard to contemplate sending her there?

This journey has been such an amazing one… parenthood overall and breastfeeding specifically. It was the hardest part of my transition into motherhood at first, and now it is genuinely one of my favorite things; a special moment in time shared between my daughter and me. My ability to grow and sustain her little being with only my own body, first in my tummy, and then at my breast. The tender snuggles. The exhausted late nights. The thousands of hours. The giggles and the wiggles and even the biting. I am nostalgic for it already.

I’ve heard a lot of things about parenthood since starting to prepare to bring a baby into the world, but my favorite by far is this: “parenthood is the art of letting go, gracefully.” Oh, how that resonates with me today. Thank you Millie, for the amazing memories and moments we’ve shared already, and the millions we have to look forward to together.