No, I Don't Want to Join Your Mom Group

As any pregnant woman will tell you, pregnancy is a season of life is full of joys, pains, weird body changes, and LOTS of unsolicited advice. Shortly before my daughter was born, I started hearing what quickly became the number one most common piece of advice I received both during pregnancy and as a new mom: “get out of the house early and often… join a Mom Group.”

Fellow moms, often in my own age group with young kids themselves, would regale me with stories on how their ‘tribe’ LITERALLY saved their life. I’ve plastered a smile on my face dozens of times while responding, “That sounds so great!” knowing full well I had no intention of taking advantage of the invitation. I quickly discovered that sharing, honestly, that a Mom Group doesn’t interest me, resulted most often in immediate diatribes about why I was wrong about my own preferences – not easily swallowed when in the throws of those sweet, sleep deprived days of late pregnancy and early motherhood.

Don’t get me wrong, women need support! There is nothing like having a network of people going through the same life experience as you, no matter what that current life phase or event may be. A fundamental shift as game-changing and life-altering as parenthood just intensifies this need for community. Mom Groups totally make sense! What those well-meaning mamas failed to realize, however, is that this concept can be simultaneously perfectly logical, and also just not right for me.

Although philosophically I already knew that I didn’t want to do the Mom Group thing, my circumstances also contributed to, and solidified, my decision. I had my daughter in late November. In those early weeks, the days were gray and cold and my home was aglow with a cozy fireplace, my loving husband, our two cuddly dogs, meals prepped before the baby, a twinkling Christmas tree, and all the binge-worthy Hallmark Holiday Movies a millennial-mom-perpetually-rocking-sweatpants-and-a-messy-bun could dream of. For these reasons, being home with my little lady was honestly just fine with me. Better than fine, it was great. It was a dream.

Not so great, however, was my recovery from the birth. That, my friends, was really tough – I’ll spare you the details, but just suffice to say that between my recovery, a bout of mastitis, and a resulting BATTLE (and I do not use that word lightly) to increase my breastmilk supply, this period of time was extremely emotionally and physically taxing for me. Taking on the social pressure and what felt like the obligation of trying to find and join (and in some cases – pay for!?) a Mom Group, just wasn’t anywhere close to my top ten priorities.

I recognize my own privilege here – I am so fortunate to already have so many wonderful, supportive people in my life. Have there been moments as a mom that I felt alone and desperate for help? Of course. But a Mom Group wouldn’t have solved this for me… in fact, my existing network is the only "group" I need.

My own version of a Mom Group is geographically and demographically diverse. It consists of my friends, my cousins, my sisters, my aunts, my mother-in-law, my own Mom. I’ve reconnected with old acquaintances – now some of my closest friends – who are also navigating new motherhood, and we support each other immensely. With these amazing women, I text and Facetime, I chat on the phone, I meet for coffee, wine, playdates, birthdays, holidays and other celebrations. We don’t censor ourselves or each other when we talk about the ups and downs of parenthood. But we also don’t meet every week to sit in a circle venting “don’t get me wrong, I love her… but...”

As anyone will tell you, motherhood is hard! And I’m sorry non-mamas, but you really cannot understand what those first 6-8 weeks will be like until you are in the thick of it. That’s why self-care is SO important as a new mom. For some, attending a Mom Group is an important strategy, but for me, self-care looks different. It looks like not forcing myself out of the house while still on crazy painkillers because “its good to socialize myself and the baby.” Self-care is not putting something else on my schedule when I’m already exhausted and run down and just want to stay in my sweats and spend literally every second of free time napping. Self-care is not getting behind the wheel of a car, or navigating a 2-train-change T ride, or walking almost two miles in thirty degree weather to get to a Mom Group.

I’m here to tell you that the MOST IMPORTANT thing to do as a new mom is NOT getting out of the house. It’s NOT joining a Mom Group. It’s NOT mommy-and-me yoga or baby swim lessons or reading time at the library or mini music classes. The MOST IMPORTANT thing to do as a new mom is to love on your baby, listen to your body, and trust yourself and your maternal instinct (it’s there! I promise!) to do whatever feels right for you and this new little person taking up such a big place in your life and heart.

So, mom-friend, I am SO glad you found something that works for you, but no, I don’t want to join your Mom Group.